The Option

This morning, I probably got up on the wrong side of the bed. Because when I woke up, I had several thoughts, among them was, “yeah, push yourself, love yourself and get your act together, please”. There was something I was trying to find and not getting. There was this meeting scheduled for the morning, like usual, which I had to attend, and yes, breakfast too was to be had before it. I did finish eating breakfast and doing the morning rituals, then there wasn't enough push. I initially thought of not attending the meeting, but then joined with the thought that I won't speak much but will listen more. I mean, unless there is something that needs to be said. And true to my word, I remember saying just three things during the meeting, “good morning everybody”, “yes, I am there” and “good bye everyone”. Apart from writing ‘yes, I had breakfast‘. 

I was sitting in the sun after the meeting and chewing over the same thought. When my mom asked me to call this water purifier guy who was supposed to visit the house to fix the Aquaguard. The phone call was done, and then I was munching Amla, which I eat during the winter season, and which was later followed by a cup of black coffee. All this while I was telling myself that I am pretty good, I am cool at several things, yes, yes, I am good at doing those things and do it quite effortlessly. Usually, when this happens, I agree and resonate with the thought or after little persistence, I give in with my whole heart. But today I wasn't in the mood to settle the matter and was rather looking for something of substance.

The eerie thought was broken when someone rang the doorbell, and I went to check. Mangal was there, our vegetable vendor for the past zillion years. While coming back, I saw my bicycle and was quick to respond to myself, “See, you are good at riding, no?” And to which the response was cold, as I remember the last time I rode some substantial distance was in 2022. Well, okay, an abrupt thought then. But then I saw my feet and was, “hey, hey, hey, you do run well, now there is no dispute at all around it and no beating around the bush”. Sadly, this was again met with reluctance and couldn't cut the ice, as yes, no doubt I do run pretty well, but it was May last year when I ran any good. I mean, yes, cumulatively 320km in the month is good consistency and inspiring too. But since then, I haven't run any bit or any bit that I remember. Yes, of course, on any given day or moment, I could still muster energy and stamina to run 10km straight, but my mind was browsing recent memory and not the futuristic view.

As often is the case with me and my relationship with music, I was humming a Hindi song, अब मुझे कोई इंतेज़ार कहां, sung by Rekha Bharadwaj with lyrics by Gulzar and the music composed by Vishal Bharadwaj. I was reminded of a poem, which I wrote long back, आख़िरी कील. How it happened back then was a musical sandwich, where I was listening to another song, followed by writing आख़िरी कील, which was followed by listening to अब मुझे कोई इंतेज़ार कहां. So, I asked this friend of mine if she could share that poem, provided it's not a hassle, and she happened to have a copy of it. I didn't tell her I was humming a song or which song; instead, I could just say that I  was listening to one particular song and was reminded of that particular poem. The good Samaritan that she is, as she not only shared that poem but also several others also which I had written long back, and she happened to have restored them from somewhere.

For the next 30-odd minutes, I was reading my poems again. In between, I thanked my friend and wished her all the best things in life. But when I was reading my poems I was thrilled at the word play, the consistency of thought, the theme and thread but most importantly how they have come into being with mere a word or sentence someone has said or a song someone has sung or the way someone has spoken or listened or watched or just a singular thought about love, existence or loneliness. While marveling at my poems, I realised what I was trying to find since morning. I was seeking validation from myself.

You see, we live in a very physical world which has dimensions. We tend to associate with things easily that we can touch, see, hear, or at least visualise. The same is the case with validation. For my mind was not acknowledging other things at which I am very good at but with poems, it could be as I was writing very recently. Just a few days back, I wrote a beautiful poem and, yes, an interesting blog too. And very recently, I simplified a document so that my mind could understand and also associate with it easily. Now, the noise in my head was not ‘how silly I am,’ but instead the voice was, “dude, you are a cool dude, and by God, I love you so much”. 

Sometimes outside validation works wonders too and can help to realise a potential or something which the individual hasn't explored much. Like, while reading my poems, I was reminded of a recent incident last November, when I prepared tea for a friend who had come from some travels. It came out well and was much appreciated. Now, at that moment, I thought, “Yeah, fine, people are tired, hence”. But then I prepared tea the succeeding mornings and evenings too. To my surprise, it all came out very well on all three occasions, with this friend again appreciating it and also sharing that the taste reminded her of a certain childhood memory at her grandmother's place. That day I realised that yeah, I am cool at tea too. Until then, I was aware of my super excellent coffee-making skills, which I call “world’s best coffee,” with froth sometimes covering one-third of the mug. Funnily, during this tea-making thing and after realising that I am good at it, the icing happened. For I was reminded of another friend who is currently in Germany, but that one fine evening at Lucknow, she was not feeling well. She called me, and while I was at home, we were preparing to take her to the hospital for some checkups when she asked me to prepare tea before starting. I remember her saying after having the tea that it worked as magic and that she was feeling much, much better. Also, she thanked me for dropping by and preparing such an excellent tea.

Mostly, the inside or self-validation kicks in first and does the trick. But just as the love for others, the love for oneself is not a linear path. It has its own trajectory and journey. Yes, indeed, one must love oneself to love others is all fine and true. But sometimes, you would be getting up at the wrong side of bed and wondering what's wrong with you. Despite being madly in love with thyself.

When I finished reading my last poem, which this friend has shared, and while finishing this thought bubble, I entered another thought bubble and thought that yeah, I must write about this experience. I was wondering whether to write in Hindi or English. I thought of checking with this friend and asking her what could be a better choice. I also thought of another friend who is shifting to Goa and who is more comfortable with reading English as compared to Hindi, as it's not his mother tongue. But then I realised I was again seeking validation from these. And the voice in my head was saying, “What she could tell, she will only ask what suits me well. And that other friend will be as happy to read in Hindi as in English. Maybe I should write in English as I will be writing pretty well, and we’ll check the grammar mistakes online and rectify them”. To which, the response was but how do you know I will be writing good and pat came the reply just like I know that the other piece you are intending to write in Hindi is going to come out awesome eventually when it comes out, just like I knew the other day you simplified that write-up in English to Hindi and just like most of the poems you have written are pretty beautiful too.

After this, I was left wondering and asked myself how and why I love myself so much, is it because of no choice? The response again came pretty spontaneously, that I love myself not because I am an option but because I am the option. 

So, the point is it doesn't matter which side of the bed you are waking up in the morning, as long as for yourself you are the option.